You Don't Know My Name

I reached the beautiful city of Chicago (once again) and I'm currently relaxing in my friend's apartment. She left her radio playing, but as I am too tired to get up, I'll just sit and enjoy the music as I type.

I don't why this thought randomly crossed my mind, but maybe it's because certain people crossed my mind. The question that I'm having a hard time trying to figure out is why is it that when someone has an interest in you, and you politely turn them down, your interactions with them change? I don't mean in the "it's awkward between us now" aspect because that is bound to happen sometimes, but I mean in the "screw you, our friendship will never be the same" kind of way. It's a saddening situation seeing that there's actual history with some of these people, and once a point in time when I thought I was someone special to them. I'm not naive, so I don't want anyone to think "Well what do you expect Christina? They had they're hopes up, and now they're feelings are hurt." I know. I understand that. I've been there, and in a way, I'm still there now. For me, it's difficult because I've never led anyone on, and whenever I fear I'm crossing that boundary, I get advice from a close male friend on what I can do to rectify the situation. I want to make sure that with my male friendships, I'm not creating the illusion something that's not really there. That's the worst feeling in the world (see last blog.)

I have to admit though, it's not like that in all cases. For instance, I have a friend who has told me of his interest in me plenty of times in the past. I've kindly turn down his offer for dates before, but he has not change and is still willing to hang with me on a strictly platonic level. At least that's what I think.

Whatever. Where the hell is the Thai food I ordered???

Better Get On Ya Job, Tell Them Haters...

Every Time I Turn Around...

When it comes to men, I can say that I've met a wide and varied group. I'm only 24 years old, so of course I haven't been on the dating scene that long, but thus far I've encountered the following:

- The Liar
- The Momma's Boy
- The Starstruck Lover
- The Wannabe Rapper
- The Drug Dealer
- The Artist
- The Party Promoter
- The Athlete
- The Greek
- The Minister-in-Training
- The Foreigner
- The Bum
- The Stalker
- The Police Officer
- The Preacher's Kid
- The Gospel Singer

NOW. This is a list of the types I've met dating back to my high school years up until now. They're either men I've dated, talked to on the phone, or barely texted. In most cases, some of these categories overlapped. In any case, as extreme as some of the titles may be, they each played a very significant role in my life. Many have made me cry myself to sleep. Others irritated me beyond belief. Some angered me to the point where I felt a strong disdain blossoming for them in the very depths of my soul. But looking back at those experiences, they taught me what to avoid and what to do should I consider the start of relationship with someone new...

....yet....

I continue to make the same choices. It seems that no matter how picky I am, or how "open-minded" to trying something new, I still fail. Several times in the past 3 years, I've allowed myself to be vulnerable to three men, each VERY different from the other. But they've all disappointed me, and consequently, hurt me. Sadly, the last situation happened only yesterday. It's usually easy for me to be "on to the next one," but the fact of the matter is I poured a lot of emotion and energy into these 3 relationships, and got nothing in return. If I had to fault them, I would say they set it up to be something when it really wasn't. (I touched on one instance in a previous blog) So here's where I come in...

I eagerly fed into their words as if I never heard them before. As if they didn't regurgitate the words of previous men. I'd become the one starry-eyed, needy, and blinded by the possibility that I finally found someone. For me, finding somoene who I view myself compatible with is rare, and so when it happens, I get my hopes up. I'm human, what can I say?




One day, the right person will come along. It's no rush however. I'm just glad I got to the point where, unlike most people, I'm able to take responsibility for my choices and actions. I won't completely discount the fact that my heart was dragged along on a string, nor the fact that these men took advantage of the 110% effort I put into our "relationship." There are worse things happening in life.

But love, man, what a game. What a game.....